


When you love somebody, you put your pants on for them

by ArabellaTurner



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Apologies, Child Neglect, Depression, Forgiveness, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-04-06
Packaged: 2019-11-14 18:59:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 18,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18058190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArabellaTurner/pseuds/ArabellaTurner
Summary: After their fall out, both Jared and Evan are suffering, yet neither has the strength left to reach out to the other. Can Heidi help her son and his family friend reconcile?This work was inspired by The Pants Song from Be More Chill, but can be read with no knowledge of the song or play.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Be More Chill: I always felt like Mr. Heere talking to Michael was such a powerful moment. I really wish that Heidi reached out to Jared, so I decided to write a fic where she did.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After falling out with Evan, Jared finds himself sinking into depression. Desperate to feel anything, he finds himself turning to self harm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obvious trigger warning for some pretty dark stuff and a lot of self-hatred here.

Jared sat in his room, sulking. That was what he did best these days; sitting in a cocoon of self hatred and blood. The blood was an accident. Usually he was pretty careful to hide all evidence, but he was just so miserable today that he couldn’t be bothered to clean up after himself, and now his blankets were stained.

He figured he could claim a bloody nose just this once and be fine. It was unlikely his parents would realize what had really happened. They didn’t know much about his actual life or interests, so it was unlikely they even realized he was depressed.

But Jared was depressed, severely so. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the fight with Evan over again. He heard the cruel words being exchanged and wanted to scream. Every time he tried to find some peace and quiet, he heard his words echo back to him.

_“What are you, an acorn?” “What else did you completely fuck up?” “He’ll ruin your life with it, I know I would,” “Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance,” “We’re family friends, that’s completely different and you know it,” “Maybe you should remember who your friends are,” “Fuck you Evan, asshole!”_

Jared shuddered as he remembered just how much he hurt his best friend. Of course Evan hated him. He hated himself and he wasn’t even the one he had bullied. No, Jared might be miserable and alone, but he was not delusional enough to think it wasn’t his fault.

And so Jared kept going. Every day he would get up, tend to his new wounds to prevent infection, get dressed, and force himself back to the hell he called school. And every day he would watch as Evan struggled to keep himself together.

Jared wanted so badly to reach back out to him, to apologize, to get down on his hands and knees and beg for forgiveness. He knew his mistakes by now. He didn’t care about popularity anymore. He would happily become the biggest loser in the entire world if it meant that Evan would want him back, but he knew that wasn’t what Evan wanted. He wasn’t what Evan wanted.

And so Jared accepted it. He stood in the background and watched. This was his punishment. He had failed someone he cared about and now he could no longer get close to him. He just wished he knew how to help from a distance. It was clear that Evan was in pain and Jared wanted to fix that. He just had no idea what to do.

Just as every other evening, Jared drove back home, did his homework, took a couple shots, pulled down his pants, and added a couple new lines to his growing collection. One thing he liked about his inner thighs was that he could easily hide the marks with pants or shorts so no one would question his fashion choices or accidentally see the marks. No one else needed to know how much he was suffering. He didn’t deserve their pity or concern. His pain belonged solely to him.

And Jared longed for the pain. It was the only thing that kept the emptiness away. He wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be able to love again, but he hoped he could still at least feel. He didn’t want to end up completely heartless.

So Jared cut, and cried, and hated himself. He wished to die, but didn’t want to cause a big deal. He didn’t want Evan to blame himself for it, so he decided to wait until college. He would get in somewhere with a scholarship so his parents wouldn’t waste tuition money and he would wait just long enough for them to think college was the problem, then he would end it. Then he would finally be free and Evan would never have to deal with him ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi goes over to the Kleinman’s house to speak with Jared about his relationship with Evan.

Heidi watched as Evan slowly healed. She hated seeing her son in so much pain, but at least he was slowly getting better. She wished she could do more for him though. They had finally managed to start communicating, but communication wasn’t necessarily enough.

It was clear to Heidi just how lonely Evan was. Now that the Murphy’s were out of the picture, it appeared that Evan didn’t have anyone else besides her. She did try asking him about Jared, but he just shook his head. Apparently the two of them had never been as close as she believed.

Yet Evan had told her so many times before just how much Jared meant to him. It was almost the only thing he ever bothered to mention to her. Heidi just couldn’t believe that their friendship actually meant nothing. So she made up her mind. If she couldn’t get a straight answer from her son, then there was only one other place she could get it.

————

Jared heard the doorbell ring, but didn’t bother to move from his bed. It wasn’t like anyone would come to visit him anyways. He had no friends and wasn’t a part of any groups. There was no need for him to prepare for company.

Jared took a few seconds to wallow in self pity before angrily sliding the razor blade across his skin once more. He didn’t usually cut himself in his bed, but since he hadn’t cleaned up after himself yet, the blade was still sitting next to him, just waiting to inflict more damage.

He closed his eyes and focused on the pain, admonishing himself for the pity. He was a bad person; he didn’t have the right to feel bad for himself. 

Jared stayed that way for a few minutes before he heard a knock on his door. Panicked, he threw his blanket over his legs and hid the blade under his pillow. “I’m busy!” he shouted. “It’s Mrs. Hansen. She says she wants to talk to you,” his mom replied. “Well, tell her I’m busy!” Jared countered. “It will only be for a few minutes. I’m sure your homework can wait. I’m going to send her up now.” 

Jared sighed in frustration. Most of the time his parents left him completely up to his own devices, but heaven forbid he actually wanted to be alone. It was all so stupid. He sat up and arranged his blankets carefully around him. He was clearly not going to have enough time to properly care for his wounds, so the best he could do for now was to hide them.

————

Heidi hesitated outside Jared’s door for a moment, wondering what she was going to say to him. She had a lot of questions that she wanted answers to, but she wasn’t positive how to ask them or what to do with the responses. She hoped that there was just a misunderstanding somewhere that she could help clear up, but she feared it was something much more complex.

Eventually she knocked on Jared’s door. “Come in,” she heard him grumble. He didn’t sound happy about this and Heidi felt a little bad. It was clear that Jared was being forced to talk to her by his mom.

Heidi opened the door slowly and silently stepped into Jared’s room. The place was a mess. Clothes were strewn about and he had some empty soda bottles and chip bags by his bed and on his desk. His backpack was unceremoniously dumped next to his desk, his books and papers roughly shoved inside. 

Jared himself simply sat on his bed, curled up in his blankets. Heidi noted that he looked rather pale and sickly. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was greasy and unwashed, and his face seemed hollow. 

She stopped a few steps away from the door, unsure what to do next. “Grab a seat,” Jared grumbled, halfheartedly motioning to his desk chair. Heidi did as he suggested and spun the chair around to face Jared.

The two of them just sort of stared at each other for a minute. Neither was really sure what to say. Jared focused on the blood seeping into his sheets. At this rate, he was going to have to give himself an obvious injury and pretend it came from that. There was no other way he was getting out fo this one now.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Heidi start talking and Jared starts opening up about his true relationship with Evan.

After way too much time just staring at each other, Heidi finally spoke up. “Do you miss Evan?” she asked. Jared winced at the question. Her eyes were filled with so much pain and longing. Clearly she wanted the two of them to make up and be friends again.

Yet Jared knew he could never do that. All that would happen was that he would inevitably end up hurting Evan. So instead of giving an honest answer, Jared just sort of shrugged and grunted. He then quickly looked away to avoid seeing the heartbreak evident in Heidi’s eyes.

“He really hurt you, didn’t he?” Heidi asked gently. Jared snapped back around to face her. “What makes you say that?” he demanded. “You two always seemed to be so close. You spent so much time together. Evan almost never told me anything, but he used to tell me how nice you were to him. You must have really meant a lot to him and seeing your reaction now, I assume he used to mean a lot to you too.”

Jared felt his heart sink as understanding finally dawned on him. Poor Evan. How could he have done something like this to him? He actually believed Jared’s lies and he had actually gone back to his mom to report how ‘nice’ Jared had been to him.

“I guess I know that some of the time he claimed to have spent with you recently was a lie, but you must have been important to him to be the one he always claimed to be with, right? But now he says that you weren’t ever friends and you say you don’t miss him and I don’t know what happened between the two of you that caused this to happen.”

Jared was certain that if things kept up, he was going to pass out. He was already a little lightheaded from all the blood loss, but watching his best friend’s mom cry in front of him, about him, made him feel nauseas and disgusting. Before Heidi came to talk to him, Jared thought he couldn’t hate himself more, but apparently he was wrong. 

Unable to say anything, Jared simply sat there, sobbing. His entire body was violently shaking. Then suddenly, the shaking stopped. The warmth spread all around him. It reminded him of the rush he got from cutting, only there was no pain connected to it, only the warmth and happiness. He wrapped his arms tightly back around Heidi and held on for dear life.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt your son like this. I never meant to drag him down with me. He deserved a far better friend than I ever was. He’s an amazing person. Of course I miss him, but I will never subject him to my abuse ever again.”

There was no fight left in Jared as he said it. He no longer cared what anyone else thought about him. As long as Evan didn’t get hurt by his actions, nothing else mattered. Heidi deserved to know what he had done to her baby. She deserved to hate him too.

Heidi gently pulled Jared’s face away from her chest so she could look him. “What do you mean by abuse?” she asked. She still just sounded concerned and confused, but Jared figured that it would turn to anger once he explained.

“I was never a good friend to Evan. Well, maybe I was the first couple of years, but by middle school I had stopped. I bullied him, I made fun of him, and I told him that the only reason we spent time together was because I was bribed to do so. At first it was with my pocket money, but later when I got older, it was my car insurance. I told Evan time and time again that we were only ‘family friends.’ I would do the bare minimum required to be a decent human being, then tell him to tell you to tell my parents that I was nice to him. Apparently he actually did as I asked.”

Jared laughed bitterly. He was such a disgusting person. There was not a single redeemable trait inside of him. He looked up into Heidi’s horrified eyes and knew that soon she would let go of him. Soon he would go back to being alone, one more person now thoroughly repulsed by him.

Sure enough, the warmth engulfing him suddenly vanished. Jared shivered when he realized just how cold he was and pulled his blankets a little higher around him. And that was his mistake.

He never did find out how Heidi planned to react to the news that he was an abusive asshole. He never got to hear whatever lecture she was planning or feel whatever blows she intended to throw. Instead he heard her let out a muffled yelp as he suddenly felt his blankets get ripped away, revealing his scarred and bloody legs for all the world to see.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heidi discovers Jared’s injuries and tries her best to help him.

Heidi couldn’t believe her ears. Had Jared really treated Evan that way? How had she been so completely wrong about this? And what did she do now? Jared did seem to regret his actions, but if he hurt Evan, then she probably didn’t want them hanging out anymore.

She let go of Jared, hoping to just get up and pace a little. She needed to calm down and cool herself off before she did or said something she might regret.

Jared seemed to shiver when she let go, and she felt a little bad. He really didn’t seem like a bad person right now. Then she noticed it. When Jared had shivered, he adjusted his blankets. Now parts that had previously been covered up were visible, and splattered all over with blood.

The blood was fresh too. It almost looked like Jared was bleeding right now. Nervously, Heidi grabbed the blankets and pulled them back. She quickly covered her mouth with her hands to stifle her scream. Jared’s inner thighs were covered in cuts, some of which were still trickling blood. 

The next thing she knew, her arms were around Jared once more. “How long?” she asked him through her tears. Jared began to sob again. “Every day since he and I stopped speaking. I did it before then too, but far less frequently.” Heidi pulled him closer. “Do your parents know?” Jared snorted. “Of course not. They would totally freak out if they did.”

Heidi’s affectionately stroked Jared’s hair. “Of course they would. Any normal parent would be horrified to know that their child was in so much pain.” Jared snorted again. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “They would be so disappointed in me. Right now they trust me to look after myself. If they knew about this, their trust would be lost. Then they wouldn’t be able to leave me alone as much and would have to change their lifestyle. If they knew what I was doing, they would hate me.”

Heidi was horrified. Surely Jared had it wrong. Evan thought that she viewed him as a burden when she didn’t, so surely Jared was also mistaken. She was friends with Sarah Kleinman. There was no way she could have befriended someone who viewed their child that way, right?

“They would never hate you, Jared, and if they did, then they would be the ones in the wrong, not you. You shouldn’t keep pain like this bottled up. Trust me when I say this. Parents aren’t gods. We don’t always know what our kids are going through or how to help them. We make mistakes and act selfishly sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you. I love Evan with all my heart, but I still messed up so many times when I was trying to be there for him. 

Your parents might be the same way. Even if they love you with all their hearts, it doesn’t promise that they won’t make mistakes. That’s why you need to talk to them, to tell them what’s going on. If you don’t tell anyone what’s bothering you, it makes it so much harder to get help.”

Jared shook his head. “I don’t want help,” he protested. “I don’t want someone to tell me it’s okay or tell me that I should move on. I want to punish myself. I want to feel even a fraction of the pain I caused him. I want to suffer. I want to die. I’m only waiting until it won’t affect him. I don’t want Evan to suffer through the suicide of another person for whom he was their only friend. People might talk and he could get hurt. It’s not fair to him.”

“Neither is this,” Heidi responded. “You’re causing yourself pain and refusing to seek any help. You’re making yourself suffer in some form of sick punishment. Do you really think that’s what he wants?” 

Jared couldn’t find the words to respond. Instead he simply cried louder. “Would you be willing to talk to him?” Heidi asked. After hearing about the bullying, she had been on the fence before about encouraging them to reconcile, but seeing Jared like this made her realize that he really did care. Both boys were clearly in pain, so why not try to help them fix things?

“How can I?” Jared asked, pulling Heidi from her thoughts. “What could I possibly say to him to make things right?” “Why not just say you’re sorry and tell him the truth. If what you said about your relationship before is true, then you already really hurt him, so how could talking to him make things worse? I can’t force you to do anything, but I want to help you. 

I’m going to help you talk to your parents about your depression whether or not you talk to Evan. No matter what, I’m going to make sure that you get the proper help for that. I just also want to help you fix your broken friendship. I’m not going to pretend that I’m not mainly pushing for you to talk for Evan’s sake, but your happiness does matter to me as well. I don’t want to see you suffer and I think that talking to him would help.”

Jared wordlessly got up and made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the water in the tub and splashed some of it on his legs, wincing as he did so. Heidi followed along behind him.

She began to root through his medicine cabinet until she came across some antibacterial ointment. She then took a wash cloth off the towel rack and got it wet. “May I?” she asked. “I am a nurse after all.” Jared let out a sight chuckle and motioned for her to go ahead. Heidi carefully cleaned his wounds then rubbed the ointment on them. 

“Do you have gauze anywhere?” Heidi asked once she was finished with the ointment. Jared shook his head. “I usually bath after I’m done and by the time that’s over, I can just put bandaids on it.” Heidi nodded. “I have some at my place. For now, we’ll just apply some bandaids and when we get to my place, we can bandage it more securely.”

Jared nodded. Once the bandaids were carefully placed over his cuts, Heidi suggested he go change his clothes while she got him some sugar to help with the blood loss and permission from his mom to bring him over to her place. “I promise I won’t mention what you’ve been doing right now. I am going to make sure she finds out, but it doesn’t need to be right now. I want to make sure you’re okay first and have the medical knowledge to keep you safe.” Jared wordlessly nodded once more before returning to his room to change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that Evan will officially appear in this story soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Jared prepares to head over to the Hansens, Heidi learns a little bit more about Jared’s current situation as she chats with Mrs. Kleinman.

Jared felt completely numb as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants. At this point both his blankets and a washcloth were covered in blood. There was no way to hide this anymore even if Heidi didn’t tell his parents. At least she wasn’t going to do it right that second.

He was also terrified to talk to Evan again. He knew that Heidi seemed to think it would help, but he just didn’t see how. And even if it did help him, he absolutely couldn’t believe that it would help Evan. He just couldn’t understand why Heidi was being so nice to him after everything he had done to her son.

————

Heidi made her way to the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinets until she found a pack of Oreos. She grabbed a handful and poured a glass of juice. Normally she wouldn’t just take food without permission, but she didn’t want to make the Kleinmans suspicious by specifically asking for food with sugar in it.

She made her way to the living room and saw Sarah sitting on the couch. The TV was on but muted while she talked on the phone. Upon seeing Heidi, she asked the person on the other end to wait a minute before turning to her. 

“Heidi! Perfect timing! Steve and I were just talking to some friends about going out tonight. Would you care to join us?” Heidi shifted uncomfortably. “I’m afraid I already have plans with Evan tonight, but thank you for the offer.” Sarah smiled at her friend. “You need to get out more, Heidi! I won’t pull you away from Evan tonight, but we need to hang out together again soon!”

Heidi smiled and nodded. “I would love that, Sarah,” she replied. Sarah then took a look at the food in Heidi’s hands. “I’m guessing Jared asked you to bring him a snack? Honestly, he can act like such a child sometimes. I hope that you were able to have a successful conversation with him.” 

Heidi smiled, looking rather uncomfortable again. “Jared is a sweet boy. If you’re going out tonight without him, mind if I bring him to my place? I’m sure Evan would enjoy his company.” Heidi felt bad about lying, but she didn’t feel like she could just ask now without making things weird.

Sarah beamed up at Heidi. “You really are such an angel. You’re welcome to take Jared tonight if he wants to go with you. Tell Evan I say hi!” “Sounds good. I’ll send you my schedule tomorrow so we can plan a night out. You and Steve have fun!”

The two women waved goodbye as Heidi hurried back up the stairs. Maybe Jared was not quite as incorrect about his family as she had believed. This was definitely something to keep an eye on.

————

After getting changed, Jared sat back down on his bed and grabbed his phone. He unlocked it, navigated to his messages with Evan, stared at them for a second, then locked it again and just stared at the black screen. It was pathetic and he knew it, yet even going over his old messages with Evan was too painful for him. 

He jumped a little when he heard a knock, but relaxed when he heard Heidi’s voice a second later. “I have some food for you and your mom said you’re welcome to come over to my place tonight.” Jared took a deep breath then got up and opened the door.

He gratefully took the plate of cookies and glass of juice from Heidi and quickly downed the juice. He placed the glass and plate down on his desk, adding to the ever growing mess, and started to eat the cookies. “When do you want to leave?” he asked with a mouth full of Oreos. Heidi chuckled despite herself.

“Whenever you’re ready, I guess,” she replied. Jared quickly shoved the rest of the Oreos into his mouth. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” he mumbled, only somewhat audibly. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will finally have Evan. I’m sure you’ve been waiting for him to appear!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Jared makes his way over to the Hansens, Evan wonders if he’s going to be okay again.

The car ride over to the Hansens was a silent one. Once they arrived, Heidi instructed Jared to stay quiet, then brought them around to the back door. “Okay. I need you to stay in the kitchen for the time being. I’m going to let Evan know that I’m home and grab the gauze. I’ll take care of bandaging your wounds before I let him know you’re here.”

Jared shifted uncomfortably. He looked around the house. He hadn’t been here in a while. It seemed smaller and older than he remembered. “Do we have to do it in that order?” he finally asked. “The longer I wait, the more likely I am to chicken out. I think I need to talk to him now.” 

Heidi looked at him nervously. “Are you sure? There’s a chance that blood could get on your pants if we don’t properly dress your wounds. Are you okay with that?” Jared shrugged. “No, but I’m not okay with any of this. If Evan finds out about my legs, then maybe it’s just fate telling me that he needs to know.”

Heidi placed a hand on Jared’s shoulder. “Thank you for doing this. I really hope you two can work some things out. I’ll be waiting right down here if either of you need me.” Jared looked up at her and smiled weakly. “Thanks. Here’s to hoping I don’t make everything worse!”

————

Evan wasn’t sure what his mom was currently doing. She had called him to say that she was going to be later than usual that night and that he should go ahead and order food without her. He still absolutely hated doing that, but he had managed to successfully order a large pizza with enough left for a couple more meals. At least now he wouldn’t need to order again right away.

Now he was just sitting on his bed, half watching some documentary. It was hard to give his full attention to anything anymore. There was a part of his mind that was always back with the Murphy’s and The Connor Project. 

The public backlash to his therapy letter had died down in the past few weeks, but he knew that there were still people out there harassing the Murphys. He also knew that the public opinion of them had been forever damaged.

Evan wasn’t really participating in Connor Project activities anymore, but he still followed them closely. He had to admit that Alana was really taking it in stride. He did feel bad for leaving everything for her to deal with, but he just couldn’t stay a part of it.

There were a lot of things he currently couldn’t do. He still hid from Zoe whenever he spotted her and froze up around Alana and Jared. He clearly wasn’t going to be able to show his face at any Connor Project events. Hell, it had taken him over an hour to work up the courage to place the online order for the pizza and the entire half an hour waiting for it worrying about what he had done.

Evan was genuinely trying to move on. He didn’t want to feel like this. It was just so hard. He really appreciated the support his mom had been showing him lately, but he was still lonely. He missed having so many people he could interact with. He missed Zoe the most, but he was surprised how much he also missed Jared.

He hadn’t expected to feel Jared’s absence nearly as much as he did. They didn’t usually talk during the summer, so Evan was used to prolonged periods without any contact, but it was different now that he knew contact wouldn’t come again. Evan supposed a part of him always felt like he could turn to Jared in a time of need, but now that option was gone.

Lost in thought, Evan didn’t notice his mom’s car pull into the driveway or the muted voices of her and Jared. He therefore let out a startled yelp when he heard the knock on his door. “Come in,” he called out, his voice cracking. He turned to face his mom, then let out another, significantly louder, yelp.

“Jared?” Evan couldn’t quite believe his eyes. What was his former family friend doing standing outside his door? “Can I still come in?” Jared asked quietly. He shuffled nervously from foot to foot. Evan nodded, unsure what to say.

He watched in apprehension as Jared approached his bed. He had no idea what Jared was doing in his room and was a little scared. Jared stopped a couple feet away from Evan and looked around nervously.

“You can grab a seat if you want,” Evan offered. Jared nodded and grabbed Evan’s desk chair and moved it over near the bed. He winced a little as he sat down. The two boys then sat there, staring at each other, completely unsure what to say.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan finally sit down together to talk things out.

It felt weird to Jared to be on the other side of an exchange like this. Only a couple of hours ago, He had sat in the same position he was now placing Evan. Now that he was sitting on this side, he knew that he had to be the first to speak, but he didn’t know what to say.

Instead he just sat there and admired Evan. It had been too long since he had last really gotten a good look at the other young man. At first glance, Evan seemed to be in better shape than he was. He didn’t have dark circles under his eyes and his skin had a decently healthy glow to it. Yet his eyes seemed so hollow. He almost looked like a puppet to Jared, like an empty shell that once held a person.

“How are you?” Jared finally asked. He knew it was a stupid question, of course Evan wasn’t doing well, but it was something. “Okay,” Evan replied, looking away. “You?” “Getting by,” Jared responded. “I’ve been better,” he then admitted. “Same,” Evan agreed.

They lapsed into silence again. “You finish the Spanish homework yet?” Jared tried once more, desperate for some safe topic. “Not yet,” Evan confessed. “It’s a long one.” Jared smiled weakly. “Yeah, fortunately I don’t really have anything else going on, so I have time to work on it.” Evan shifted uncomfortably. “Same here. I haven’t really been up to much lately.”

Jared sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. They came back greasy and gross, making him wish he had showered before coming to see Evan. “Look, I’m going to be honest with you. I’m here because your mom asked me to come talk to you. She really thinks that we would be better off being friends again.”

Evan looked down, fighting off the disappointment he suddenly felt. “Oh. Sorry about that. I guess you never explained our real relationship to her? I tried to tell her, but I don’t think she got it.”

Jared slowly stood up and made his way to Evan. Standing beside his bed, he reached out a hand, holding it inches away from Evan’s arm. “Can I touch you?” he asked. Evan shook his head, so Jared sadly dropped his arm back down to his side. He knelt down by the bed instead.

“It’s true that your mom was pretty confused by what you said, but that’s why she came to me. She and I talked for a while today and I did explain our relationship to her. She knows how I treated you and what I said to you. She also knows how much of a lying moron I am. I miss you, Evan. I do care about you and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”

Evan looked down and into Jared’s eyes. He appreciated that Jared had lowered himself like that. It was a lot easier to face him when he didn’t have to look up.

The eyes he saw staring back at him were just as empty as his own looked lately. Was Jared actually suffering too? He guessed that Jared had seemed hurt after their fight, but was he really still in pain now?

“You said you told my mom everything?” he finally asked. “Not everything,” Jared said quickly, shaking his head and hands. “I don’t know what she knows about the Connor Project and I didn’t tell her anything about it. I didn’t even tell her why we stopped being friends. I just told her how I used to bully and belittle you. I felt like she deserved to know the truth about the monster who hurt her son.”

Evan frowned. “Do you see yourself as a bully then? I guess I always thought it was less that you wanted to hurt me and more that you didn’t care. I guess I was wrong?” he asked nervously. 

Jared let out a bitter chuckle. “I’m afraid you were. There was never a time when I didn’t care about you, but there were plenty of times when I tried to keep you at a distance. I’ve tried to keep everyone at a distance, but you were the only one I ever had to put any effort into keeping away.”

Evan thought about Jared’s words. That wasn’t quite what he had meant when he asked the question and he was pretty sure that Jared knew that. It was almost like he was twisting everything to make himself seem as bad as possible.

Evan sighed. It was hard to stay mad at someone when they were kneeling on your bedroom floor and miserably fighting back tears, but there was still so much he didn’t understand. He knew that Jared was in pain and that he supposedly cared about him now, but wasn’t really sure of anything else. 

“How can I trust you?” he heard himself ask. How could he make sure that Jared wasn’t just messing with him? This didn’t seem like a joke, but it also didn’t seem like Jared. How could he know that this was actually real?

Jared wasn’t sure what to say. Why should Evan trust him? What reasons could he possibly give that would convince Evan he actually cared? There just weren’t any. Even if he explained everything from start to finish, he would only be admitting to being a liar.

Jared looked down at the ground, desperate for an answer. He noticed a small dot of blood on his pants. He guessed Heidi was right about needing the gauze. Well, maybe this really was a sign.

Taking a deep breath, Jared stood up and pulled his pants down. Evan quickly hid is face with his hands. “What the hell are you doing?” he screamed. “Calm down! I’m still wearing my boxers. There’s just something you need to see,” Jared responded, realizing what his actions looked like to poor Evan.

Evan peaked through a slit in his fingers then quickly closed the gap and hid his eyes again. His whole body started to shake. What had Jared done to himself? 

Before either boy could react further, they heard a knock on the door. “Is everything okay in there? I heard shouting.” Jared winced at Heidi’s concerned tone. He felt bad that he had made her worry. “We’re okay,” he responded. “I just accidentally startled Evan. I’ll be more careful going forward.”

Heidi frowned. Part of her wanted to go in and make sure they were actually okay, but she had a feeling she knew what Jared had done and going in would ruin things. “Okay then,” she eventually replied. “I’m going to trust that you two are alright for now. If you need anything, just call. But next time I hear yelling, I’m coming in.” “Okay,” Jared agreed. “Thanks Mrs. Hansen.”

Heidi stared at the door for a few seconds before turning away. She knew she was putting a lot of trust in Jared, but she really did believe that he could fix things.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Evan has seen Jared’s legs, the two boys finally find themselves opening up to one another and releasing the darkness bottled up in their hearts.

Throughout the conversation between Jared and his mom, Evan has sat speechless on his bed. Now he finally removed his hands from his face and turned back to Jared, motioning for him to come join him on the bed.

“So you did all of this to yourself?” Evan whimpered, staring in horror at Jared’s legs. Jared nodded miserably. “I mean, it’s better than drinking. At least with this, I have control over the damage.”

Jared winced at the horrified look on Evan’s face, but pressed on anyways. “When I cut, at least I feel something. When I drink, it just dulls my senses. When I’m too upset that can be pretty dangerous. You don’t need to worry about my safety though. The last thing you need is a second Connor incident.”

Evan let out a strangled sound. “That isn’t the only thing keeping you from killing yourself, is it?” he weakly forced out. He was terrified to know the answer. “I’m not really sure what other reasons I have,” Jared bitterly admitted. “It’s not like anyone would miss me.” 

The second the words left his mouth, Jared regretted them. He was supposed to be apologizing to Evan, not making him feel bad. “Wait! No! That’s not what I meant!” he backtracked. “Obviously you would be upset if I killed myself. You would never want anyone to die. I just mean that there isn’t anyone who wants to be around me, so once the initial shock wears off, no one will mind.”

If Jared was hoping this would ease Evan’s mind, then he was sorely disappointed. Evan stared at him in abject horror. “How did I not know?” he choked out through his tears. “How did I fail to see how much pain you were in? I was so sad that no one saw my pain, yet I was just as blind!”

“What do you mean by your pain?” Jared asked. He stared sadly into Evan’s eyes. He didn’t really need to ask the question. He was pretty sure he knew the answer already, but he had to know for sure. “Evan,” his voice cracked, “how did you break your arm?” 

Evan began to laugh. It was a broken and tortured sound. He could hardly believe his ears. First Jared had told him the horrifying news that he wanted to die and now this? It was more than he could bear.

Evan laughed until his voice grew hoarse and his body started to shake. “You knew?” he finally asked. Jared forced himself to pry his horrified stared away from Evan to shake his head. “Not at first. I didn’t even suspect until after I read your therapy letter and saw all the horrible things you...”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Evan interrupted. “Why didn’t you...” “Why didn’t you say anything?” Jared demanded. “In case you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly the best at reading the mood or understanding people’s boundaries. The fact that I wasn’t sure what your letter meant, despite knowing you for so long, should be proof of that.

If you’re in pain, you need to tell me. If I were a better person, you wouldn’t have to, but I’m not a good person, so I can’t do it on my own. I told myself I would keep you at an arm’s length away, but it’s clear now I broke a lot of boundaries I didn’t even mean to break.”

Evan looked over at Jared’s legs again and then down at his own arm. They really weren’t all that different, were they? He thought back to the day of their fight. Jared had sounded so heartbroken and alone. He always saw their friendship as somewhat one sided, but maybe it was just broken. Maybe he hadn’t been that great of a friend in return.

He sighed. “I guess the one thing I still don’t understand is why you didn’t just completely push me away when I got too close. Why bother with the whole arm’s length thing? If I was the one person who caused you problems and you weren’t actually bribed to be with me, then why bother?” Evan asked.

Jared looked down at his legs and ran his fingers along the cuts. “Did you ever wish that the person you fell for was someone other than Zoe?” Evan stared at him in confusion. “Like, you ever wish that the person you fell for was someone more attainable? I mean, I guess Zoe was attainable, but you ever think she wasn’t and wish that you loved someone else?”

“Who would that someone else be?” Evan asked, gently pulling Jared’s hand away from his legs before he accidentally hurt himself. “Was there someone attainable? The only people I could ever really talk to were my mom and you.”

Jared smiled weakly. “Are you saying you don’t want to date your mom?” His smile disappeared when Evan didn’t laugh. He shifted uncomfortably. “Just for the record, there was always at least one person attainable. He just wasn’t someone worth while.” 

Once again, Jared attempted to touch the cuts on his legs, but found he couldn’t move his arm. Tears welled up in his eyes when he realized that Evan was still holding onto it. 

“I realized a long time ago that I didn’t deserve you. You’re so warm and bright, it’s like you bring sunshine with you wherever you go. But I’m just a dark cloud of depression and self hatred. All I do is hide your sunshine away. Yet I’m so selfish. I couldn’t bear to just let you go and be happy. I’m not some storybook hero able to just be happy that his true love is happy. I’m more like the villain trying to kidnap the princess.”

“But what if I wanted to be with you?” Evan asked. “You act like you forced yourself on me, but I chose to be around you. You can’t kidnap someone when they go willingly!” Jared shook his head. “You just didn’t know there was something better out there waiting for you. That’s why you left me as soon as you made other friends, right?”

Evan frowned. “I thought you were annoyed at how much I tried to get from you for just twenty dollars,” he objected. Jared laughed bitterly. “I didn’t care about the money. Hell, I lowered it from two thousand to twenty in the span of thirty seconds. I just wanted to help you out and have an excuse to spend time with you. But you never seemed to want me around. Every time I offered to do something, you and Alana shut me down. I thought that you wanted me gone.”

Evan pulled Jared’s arm up to his chest and held onto it. “I want so badly to say that you’re wrong and it was all just a misunderstanding, but I don’t know if I can. It didn’t have anything to do with you though. I just wanted to live in my fantasy world and you were a tie to the real one. I didn’t even realize I was doing it at first, but by the time of our fight, I just didn’t care anymore. Oh Jared, I’m so sorry too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that this story is starting to get a bit dark, but I promise that healing and hope will come. I love these characters too much to just leave them in pain like this!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After talking, Evan is willing to try again with Jared, but he has some conditions Jared must meet first.

The words were like a dagger in Jared’s heart. Poor Evan just wanted to feel like he belonged somewhere. He just wanted a happy life with a loving family and good friends. Why did that have to just be a fantasy? Why couldn’t he feel that way all the time? Heidi was clearly trying her best and he personally loved Evan with all his heart, so how had they managed to fall so short?

He rested his face against Evan’s shoulder. “Do you think that we have any chance of be friends again?” he sniffled. Evan looked sadly over at his former family friend. “Is friends even what you want to be? You haven’t outright said it, but I assume that you were once in love with me.” “I still am,” Jared responded. “I was in love with you, I still am in love with you, and as far as I can tell, I will always be in love with you. It’s not something that will just disappear.”

“So is that what you’re looking for?” Evan asked. He seemed so tired. “It’s not something I would ever object to,” Jared replied. “It’s not what I’m aiming for though. We were barely even friends even before our falling out, so obviously I don’t expect you to have feelings for me. Plus, you just had a rough breakup with a really sweet girl. And hell, I don’t even know if you swing that way! I’m not dumb enough to think that an apology is suddenly going to make you fall in love with me.”

Evan looked up at his ceiling as if he was hoping to find answers up there. When he didn’t, he let out a slight chuckle and turned back to Jared. “Well, to complicate even the easy part, I have absolutely no idea what way I swing. I honestly haven’t really been attracted to enough people to know.”

Jared smiled weakly at him. “That’s fine, Ev. You don’t need to know right now. You still have plenty of time to meet the right person and fall in love.” Evan gave a tired smile back. “Since when did you call me ‘Ev’?” he asked. Jared shrugged. “Since you were being cute and I started being honest with you.” Evan felt his smile grow a little wider and his heart begin to ache. “It’s true that I don’t have feelings for you right now, but I can’t say that I never will. I really have missed having you by my side. It’s feels good to just be able to talk to you again.”

“That’s not something you will ever lose,” Jared assured him. “I’ll be better about it too. No more belittling or obnoxious comments. I’ll try my best to keep my joking playful and friendly from now on, but if I mess up, please do let me know. I promise I’ll always respect your opinions and desires.”

“And if I ever make you feel unwanted again, please let me know. By the time I had any idea what I was doing, I was so far gone. I know it’s not an excuse, but I really didn’t mean to act so dismissive of you!” 

“I know you didn’t, Ev. You’re not perfect and you’re not blameless, but ultimately you are a really good person. I know that you would never purposefully hurt others. That’s just not who you are.”

“You’re also a lot better than you think you are.” Jared opened his mouth to object, but closed it when he saw the look in Evan’s eyes. “We are both a little broken and a little damaged and we’ve both hurt each other before, but I’m ready to try again if you are. I want you back in my life and it sounds like you would want me back, even as just a friend, too.” 

He turned to face Jared and held out a hand. With the biggest grin Evan had even see illuminate his face, Jared reached out and grabbed it. Almost in unison, the two boys pulled each other in for a hug. They held each other close, just enjoying the warmth and company.

Jared would have happily stayed just like that forever, but eventually Evan let go. “There is one more condition on our friendship I forgot to mention,” he said. “What’s that?” Jared asked, trying his best to keep his voice calm. “You need to get professional help,” Evan responded. “You are clearly not in a good place and fixing our friendship isn’t enough to just make it go away. You need to see a professional and get medical attention.”

“Why though?” Jared protested. “I don’t feel that way anymore. Just knowing that I’m not hurting you anymore has already made a huge difference!” Evan gently took Jared’s hands. “I’m glad that you’re not in that dark place anymore, but I can’t be the only thing keeping you from it. You can’t just rely on the happiness others give you to get better. I tried that with the Murphy’s and look where I ended up. What if something happened to me? What if we ever fight again? I can’t be the only thing keeping you from hurting yourself.

I know I’m being a hypocrite right now, but I want to change too. I’m not asking you to just get better or anything like that. I know that it’s not going to be perfect and that and that at times you’ll slip up. Trust me, I’ll be right there with you on that. I just want to see you getting the help you need. 

And in return I promise I’ll always do the same. I’ll take my therapy assignments seriously and my medicine exactly as directed. You won’t be alone in this battle, but I need to see you fighting it. Can you do that for me?”

Jared buried his face back in Evan’s chest. How could he say no? This was no longer just about him. “Okay,” he agreed. “I’m still terrified, but if I’m ever going to be able to grow and change, then my best bet is by your side. I’ll take the strength you give me and use it face these fears. And I’ll be right beside you, lending you strength to do the same.”

Evan let go of Jared’s hands and wrapped his arms around him instead, pulling him back into another hug. “That’s all I need to hear. Thank you for coming here today. It feels so good to finally have you back.” “Glad to be back, Ev. I’ve missed you so much!” “I’ve missed you too, Jare.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter was probably at least partially inspired by Grow As We Go. If you haven’t listened to Ben Platt’s new album yet, please go do that. Given that you’ve read this far into my work, I’m almost 100% certain that you will really love his music and benefit from hearing it.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Jared have finally broken through to each other, but it’s late and Jared’s really ought to head home.

There was still a lot left for them to talk about, but neither had any energy left to do it. Instead they simply collapsed onto Evan’s bed and stared up at the ceiling. The silence they fell back into was no longer awkward or uncomfortable. 

Jared focused on the sound of Evan’s breathing and the beat of his own heart, trying to slow its rapid pounding. A few inches away from him, Evan was doing the same thing. A lot had happened in a very short amount of time and both boys now just needed to process it.

Neither was really sure how much time had passed before Evan phone buzzed. “Crap!” he cried, sitting up with a start. Jared looked at him in confusion. “That’s a reminder I set to go to bed. That means it’s midnight right now. We totally lost track of the time.”

Jared frowned. His phone hadn’t buzzed at all during the conversation. He wondered if it meant that his parents weren’t home yet or that they were but hadn’t bothered to check in on him. Well, either way he figured he should head home soon. There was a lot he knew he needed to tell them.

With a sigh, Jared slid off the bed and attempted to take a step forward, forgetting his exposed legs until he suddenly found himself hindered by the pants around his ankles and began to fall. 

Realizing what was happening, Evan reached out to grab him. Unfortunately, Jared’s momentum was already too great and Evan found himself being pulled down with him. A second later, they both hit the ground with a thunk, letting out startled yelps. Jared attempted to get up, but found himself pinned to the ground under Evan. 

“You know, cuddle sessions are usually nicer on the bed or couch,” Jared said, his voice somewhat muffled. Evan quickly jumped off him. “Are you okay?” he asked, concerned. Jared chuckled and rolled over onto his back. “I was better with you on top of me,” he lamented. Evan laughed and held out a hand to help him up. 

Once Jared was back on his feet, instead of letting go of Evan’s hand, he used it to pull them back into an embrace. They held on tightly to each other until the heard the door swing open.

“I heard screaming,” Heidi informed them, looking a mix of happy and alarmed at the scene before her. She was certainly thrilled to see that they had made up, but Jared’s pants were currently resting around his ankles. “I think now might be a good time to apply the proper bandages,” she suggested diplomatically. Jared’s face immediately turned red. “Umm, ah, yeah, sure,” he stuttered out.

Evan laughed and nudged him affectionately. “Come on Jare, lets get you fixed up so you can put your pants back on and actually be able to walk again.” Jared grinned, still rather red. “I don’t know, laying on the floor with you was pretty fun!” Evan smiled back at Jared. “I’ll tell you what. You get your legs fixed up and we can have a cuddle session together afterwards.” 

Jared practically jumped for joy, causing him to stumble and Evan to catch him. “Really?!” he asked, seemingly unfazed by his stumble. “Really!” Evan assured him. They two boys hugged again while Heidi made her way to grab the gauze.

Fifteen minutes later, Jared’s legs were cleaned, medicated, and re-bandaged. With a sheepish grin, he finally pulled his pants up. “I guess I’ll have to pull these back down soon to tell my parents, but for now it’s nice to just be able to forget for a little bit.” Heidi squeezed his hand. “You don’t have to tell them tonight. In fact, I already have permission for you to stay over. We have a new toothbrush you can use and Evan has spare pajamas. I can setup a bed for you on the couch or you and Evan can share his bed if you two prefer. Either way, please feel free to spend the night.”

Jared collapsed into Heidi’s arms. “Thank you,” he whispered. He had really been dreading heading back home that night, but now he didn’t have to. He knew he couldn’t stay with the Hansens forever, but for at least the next few hours, he did not yet have to leave all the warmth and love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a pretty short chapter, but unless I figure out how to break up the next one I’ve been writing, it’s going to be super long. But get ready for a little bit of a fluffy reprieve before things get serious again.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared spends the night with the Hansens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I couldn’t find a good breaking point, so enjoy this super long chapter!

Despite the late hour, instead of heading to bed, the three headed to the family room for hot chocolate, some lighthearted tv, and cuddles. Heidi didn’t want the boys going to bed with so much on their minds, so she decided she would rather see them stay up a little longer and just unwind.

Her heart felt insanely warm at the sight of them curled up together. Jared’s head was rested against Evan’s chest while Evan gently rubbed Jared’s arm. They looked so happy like that. She wasn’t sure what they had said to one another, but it really seemed like they had made some massive steps forward.

Half an hour into the show, Evan heard soft snoring and looked down to find Jared fast asleep. He smiled affectionately at the sleeping form of his friend. He looked so peaceful and happy like that. 

Evan ran his fingers through Jared’s hair, wincing a little at how it felt. It was obvious that Jared hadn’t been talking care of himself lately. Evan knew that he hadn’t been in the best shape lately either, but his mom had been there to help look after him and make sure he tended to at least his basic needs. He wondered if there was anyone out there doing the same for Jared.

Half an hour later, Evan was out cold too. Heidi carefully carried the two boys back to Evan’s room and tucked them in. She didn’t bother to set an alarm for them since she had no intentions of sending them to school the next day. 

She knew she didn’t really have the right to decide if Jared went, but at the moment she didn’t care. She would deal with the school and the Kleinmans the next day. For now, only the health and happiness of her son and his best friend mattered to her.

————

The next morning, Jared woke up and panicked. He didn’t have the best vision without his glasses, but he could immediately tell that this wasn’t his room. It was also way too bright to be before his alarm went off. Groaning, he swung his arm out to grab his glasses and connected with the sleeping form of Evan instead.

Jared jolted upright in fright before remembering the events of the night before and tearing up. The fact that he was in Evan’s bed, lying there beside Evan, meant that it was all real. The two of them had actually made up.

Jared’s face broke out into a grin and he laid back down and turned to face Evan. He wasn’t really sure what time it was or what was in store for him the rest of the day, but at the moment he was simply content to lay there and stare at the man he loved most in all the world.

————

Around twenty minutes later, Evan woke up as well. He yawned, opened his eyes, and jumped a little. “Morning beautiful. Sorry if I scared you. Looks like your mom decided we should just share a bed last night,” Jared said with a grin. Evan smiled back at him, at ease now that he was awake enough to remember the night before.

“Morning Jared,” he replied. “It appears we slept in a bit today. I hope you didn’t have anything important going on the first couple periods” Jared chuckled. “Not really. I can miss math without much issue and the only important thing I do in Spanish is try to avoid eye contact with you.”

Evan laughed. It was a firm belly laugh that caused Jared to laugh too. “I guess you really didn’t miss anything then! I mean, you certainly didn’t take the chance to avoid eye contact while in bed with me!” “You make it sound so naughty,” Jared said with an eyebrow wiggle. “Oh, shut up,” Evan grumbled, still laughing. “Feisty! Me likely!” Jared said, nudging Evan. 

Evan swatted at him. “I’ll push you out if you don’t behave!” he scolded. “You wouldn’t dare!” Jared cried out in mock offense. “Oh yeah? Just watch me!” Evan cried, attempting to shove Jared over the side. Jared flailed his arms and made weird, unintelligible noises, cracking up the entire time.

The two boys were laughing so hard, they didn’t hear the knocking and yelling at first. “Evan, Jared, breakfast is ready!” Heidi called out again. Evan heard it the second time and stopped his attacks on Jared, who used the opportunity to launch himself onto Evan and tackle him back into the bed.

“I can hear you up, you know,” she continued with a chuckle. “Come on down before it get’s cold!” “Coming mom!” Evan exclaimed, rolling Jared off of him. He bounced a little as he got of the bed and made his way to the door. “Come on,” he called back to Jared. “Mom said she made breakfast!”

He bounced his way down the stairs. Despite his ever improving relationship with his mom, her making breakfast was still an extremely rare occurrence. 

A few minutes later, the three of them were gathered around the table and digging into the pancakes and bacon. “This is delicious Mrs. Hansen!” Jared said through a mouthful of pancakes. Heidi laughed. “I’m glad you like it. And please, just call me Heidi. There’s no need for you to be so formal!”

Jared grinned and swallowed. “Well, Thank you so much for breakfast, Heidi. I can’t remember the last time I had a family meal like this.” Heidi smiled sadly. “I’m afraid Evan and I don’t get too many of those either.” “It’s okay, Mom,” Evan piped up. “I know you’re really busy.” He tried his best to smile reassuringly, but there was still a hint of sadness in his eyes.

Jared looked back and forth between mother and son. He knew that Evan had recently felt like Heidi wasn’t there for him enough, but it seemed like they were really trying to fix up their relationship. It was really sweet to see them playing hooky to spend time together, but that was obviously not a sustainable solution. He wished there was something he could do to help them.

Unfortunately nothing came to mind, so Jared let it drop. “So what would you two like to do today?” Heidi asked, clearly trying to change the subject. “Don’t we need to go to school?” Jared asked. “I know we’re already late, but we still need to go, right?” 

“Usually yes, but today a nurse has provided notes for both of you to miss.” There was a mischievous gleam in her eyes. Jared looked at her in shock. “Can you do that?” he asked. Heidi chuckled. “Probably not, but it’s such an infrequent occurrence that I don’t really think they’ll care. If you do get into any trouble, let me know and I’ll take care of it.”

Evan gasped in mock horror. “Mom! You never told me you were a criminal!” The entire table cracked up. It was strange to Evan. Nothing about this moment was anything at all like his time with the Murphy’s, yet he felt something he hadn’t since he was last with them. Looking around at his mom and newly official friend, he realized that he finally felt like he was part of a family again. 

“So is there something you two would enjoy doing?” Heidi asked again. “Why don’t we go to Ellison State Park?” Jared suggested. “Evan told me earlier this year that he’s a bit of a tree expert now, so I’m sure he could give us a really cool tour!” Jared grinned at Evan who turned bright red. “S-sure,” he agreed. “I’d be down for it if you are. It is really pretty there.”

“Perfect! Why don’t you two boys get ready while I clean up and prepare some sandwiches to bring? We can have a picnic there!” Jared could feel the joy and love radiating off both mother and son. He wished that they could do stuff like this more often. It was so clear that they both wanted to spend that time together. 

“Come on Jare. Let’s go find some clothes for you to borrow!” Evan said excitedly. He grabbed Jared’s hand and pulled him back up the stairs. Heidi laughed and started cleaning. 

Half an hour later, Jared had finished showering and changing. He felt so much better now that he was finally clean and his hair wasn’t greasy anymore. 

It was still a rather painful experience to wash his legs and look at the cuts, but it was a lot easier now that it wasn’t just a shameful secret anymore. He hoped that eventually the cuts would be nothing more than faded scars, but for now he was just going to work on not making it worse.

Jared took a deep breath and slapped his hands on his cheeks a few times to calm himself down before walking into the kitchen to join Heidi. “You look good in those,” she said when she saw him. Jared grinned mischievously. “Evan better be careful or he’ll never get this shirt back!” he said, pointing down to the T-shirt he was wearing. It was light blue with a smiling tree on the center. Jared had never seen Evan wear it before, but it was adorable and embodied his essence perfectly.

Other than the shirt, Jared had on a pair of Evan’s sweatpants. They were a little long, but they were roomy enough. All Evan’s other pants were a little tight, causing them to painfully brush up against his cuts. 

Jared was also wearing Evan’s socks and boxers. He was keenly aware of those. He knew that the boxers were washed and that they would be washed again after we wore them, but there was still something intimidating about sharing such an intimate piece of clothing with Evan.

“Want to help me finish packing lunch?” Heidi asked, breaking Jared out of his thoughts. “Oh, uh, sure. What do you need me to do?” he asked. “Can you grab some chips and cookies? They’re in the cabinet over there,” Heidi responded. Jared nodded and made his way over to grab them. He smiled when he saw a pack of Oreos in the cabinet. It felt like a million years ago that Heidi brought some to him when he needed the sugar.

“Thanks for trusting me to talk to Evan,” he said as he made his way back over to Heidi. “I had absolutely no idea that things would turn out as well as they did. How on earth did you?” Heidi smiled and placed her hand on Jared’s shoulder. “I didn’t know,” she admitted. “I just knew that you cared about him and that he needed someone like that. I wasn’t positive that things would work out and I honestly didn’t expect things to go as well as they did, but I just couldn’t leave things as they were. You two were both in too much pain.”

Jared sniffled a little. “You really are an amazing mother. I know that you don’t get to spend as much time with Evan as you both would like, but he’s still really lucky to have someone who loves him as much as you do. I really wish there was some way I could help you guys be together more. It’s not fair that my parents and I have time to spend together if we ever wanted to, when you and Evan don’t.”

Heidi wrapped her arms tightly around Jared. “It’s true that I’m really busy, but it’s not like I never see him. I just haven’t always known how to use the time we do have well. I would love help making better use of it. I wouldn’t have even thought to suggest Ellison State Park today and I don’t think he would have either. Having you here today really does make this family more complete.”

Jared smiled and blushed. “I would be happy to. Suggesting things to you that I think would make Evan happy has got to be the best job in the world!” Heidi laughed. “Thanks Jared. I hope that Evan and I can do the same for you that you’ve done for us. At the very least, I want you to know that you’ll never be alone. If you ever feel alone within your own home, know that you are always welcome here.”

Jared buried his face into Heidi. “Thank you. I don’t know where I would be without you two. Honestly, if I never had Evan, I probably wouldn’t be alive right now and if you hadn’t come to me last night, I would still be counting down the days until I could die. You have both saved my life more times that you could ever know.”

Jared stiffened in shock when he felt a pair of arms wrap around his shoulders and neck. “I’m so glad you are alive,” Evan said. “I don’t even want to try imagining a world without you.” The tension flowed out of Jared’s shoulders as he spun around to hug Evan back. “I’m glad you’re alive too,” he replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this isn’t really relevant to this story other than to the title, but I saw Be More Chill on Broadway today and it was amazing! I just wanted to share my excitement and appreciation/love for the characters and actors with everyone!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared, Evan, and Heidi spend a day at Ellison State Park.

Over the next few hours, the three of them wandered around the park. Evan pointed out some of his favorite spots and told them all about the different types of trees. It was amazingly fun to have such an engaged audience. Both his mom and Jared seemed to genuinely enjoy learning and asked a ton of questions. 

Eventually they made it to a grassy clearing and sat down to eat lunch. It was cool enough that they all had to wear light jackets, but the sun was still shining up above them. Evan laid down in the grass and grinned as Jared laid down beside him.

“Thank you for suggesting this,” Evan told him. “It’s all so much better in real life than fantasy.” Jared smiled back at him. “I’m glad I can be a part of it this time. I’m sorry that last time you were here, you felt so alone.” Evan reached out and grabbed Jared’s hand. “I didn’t think I would be able to come back here after that. I haven’t been back here since then, but I’m not afraid anymore. If I were to actually fall here today, I wouldn’t end up lying on the ground alone.”

“Hopefully you wouldn’t even hit the ground,” Jared replied. A gentle breeze ruffled the grass around them. “Hopefully if you were to fall today, between your mom and myself, one of us would be able to catch you.” Evan’s eyes welled up with tears as he thought about it. “Even in my fantasy, I still couldn’t even imagine myself being caught before hitting the ground. Thank you for giving me the image now.” 

“It’s not just a fantasy,” Jared assured him. “It’s a promise for the future. If you ever find yourself falling on your own, I will come running to find you, but as long as I am already by your side, I won’t let you hit the ground in the first place. Well, I guess it’s still possible that I could miss, but I will always try my best to catch you. You won’t ever have to face it alone.” 

“You either, Jare,” Evan responded, squeezing his hand tight. “Next time you’re crying out for help, I promise I’ll be there to respond. And hopefully one day, I’ll know before you need to ask. But even before then, you don’t need to hide your pain or try to secretly punish yourself anymore. If you ever feel alone or afraid, I will always be there to help you.”

Heidi smiled as she snapped a picture. She had a feeling it would look really good in a frame beside each of the boys’ beds. These were memories she knew they would keep forever even without pictures, but a tangible reminder never hurt. They both deserved to hold this happiness forever in their hearts.

————

The trio spent a few more hours in the park. Heidi and Jared started competing to see who could identify more trees. Heidi was holding her own, but Jared clearly remembered more. “Okay. How about this one?” Evan asked, pointing to a nearby tree. He smiled a little mischievously.

Jared’s brow creased in concentration for a few seconds and he examined the tree and its bark more closely. “Isn’t that a birch tree?” Heidi asked. Jared shook his head. “It’s an aspen, right? This bark isn’t peeling.” Heidi looked confused. “I don’t remember Evan mentioning those,” she said. Evan just laughed. “It looks like I’m not the only tree expert here! You really studied how to identify trees on your own?” he asked Jared.

Jared blushed and shrugged. “It’s something you’re interested in. Just because I’m an asshole who makes fun of your interests doesn’t mean I’m not also going to learn about them. Trees are something you care about, so I care about them too!”

Heidi smiled at Jared. “That’s really sweet, but don’t think I don’t notice how you’ve been cheating this entire game!” Jared laughed. “It’s not cheating to study in advance!” Heidi turned to Evan. “Referee?” she asked, laughing as well. Evan laughed too. “Don’t look at me! I just like spending the time together!” Heidi hugged her son. “And I love spending the time with you, even if you do let your friend cheat!” Everyone laughed some more.

It was getting late by this point and a bit too cool to stay outside. “We should probably head out soon,” Heidi informed the boys. “Okay,” Evan agreed. “There’s just one more thing I want to show you first.” 

Evan lead the way to a secluded part of the park. There they found themselves staring at a tall, old oak tree. Jared’s eyes grew wide when he realized. “Is this the tree?” he asked. Evan nodded. “I wanted you both to see it. This is the spot where I broke my arm when I tried to kill myself.” 

The three spent the next half and hour hugging and crying. Heidi kissed her son over and over again. “I love you, Evan. I love you so much,” she repeated until her voice grew hoarse. “I love you too, mom,” Evan replied. “I love you too.”


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared prepares to talk to his parents.

They left the park around the time a school day would end. “I should probably head home now, shouldn’t I?” Jared asked. “There are still a few things I should take care of there and I should probably actually finish yesterday’s homework before I go back to school tomorrow.”

“School feels like a million years ago,” Evan admitted. “I wonder what it will be like going back tomorrow the way we are now. I assume we will sit with each other?” Jared nodded vehemently. “Of course! As long as you want to sit with me, I would love to sit with you.” Their hands slipped naturally into each others’. It was quickly starting to become a habit.

“Well, I can certainly drop you off,” Heidi assured Jared. “Would you like me, or Evan, or both of us to come in with you?” Jared shook his head. “I think I need to face this battle on my own. I wouldn’t mind if you were available to come get me if things go badly though. I really don’t know how things are going to go and it’s nice to know I would have somewhere to temporarily stay if things go wrong.”

Evan squeezed Jared’s hand tighter and Heidi clenched the steering wheel so hard her knuckles turned white. “As I said before, you are always welcome in our home. If anything does go badly, don’t feel any pressure to stay. I still genuinely believe that your parents love you, but loving you and taking good care of you aren’t necessarily one and the same.”

In the back seat, Jared took a deep breath. He was not at all ready for this, but he couldn’t put off the inevitable forever. He was only going to be able to seek professional help if his parents agreed to it, and he knew now that he genuinely needed it.

————

Half an hour later, the car pulled into the Kleinmans’ driveway, but even after the car came to a stop, Jared remained seated. He stared numbly at the house in front of him. He could see light inside, so at least one of his parents was currently home. Only Jared was not ready to face either of them. 

He felt his heart beat faster and and his desperate attempts did little to slow his breathing. “Are you sure you want to do this on your own?” he heard Evan ask. “There’s no shame in getting support and I would be happy to stand by your side.” 

Jared shook his head. “Thanks, Ev, but I can’t. I have to do this on my own. There’s so much about me that my parents don’t know. I really wasn’t lying when I told you that almost nothing I say to them is true. Although admittedly I don’t really tell them all that much. I honestly don’t know what sort of person they think I am. I just know that it isn’t me.”

Evan wrapped his arms tightly around his friend. “Then today is the lucky day when they will get to know the real Jared Kleinman. I’m sure they will be proud of the person you are. I know I would be.” Jared squeezed Evan back. “Thanks, Ev. I hope you’re right!”

Strengthened by Evan’s support, Jared slowly unbuckled and got out of the car. Slowly and robotically, he walked towards the door. He pulled out his keys, but hesitated an inch away from the doorknob. 

He turned back to face Evan and Heidi and found them both smiling encouragingly at him. Taking a deep breath, Jared unlocked the door and made his way inside.

————

Once inside, Jared hear the muffled sounds of the TV playing in the living room. With shakey steps, he made his way over. Quietly, he peaked into the room and saw only his mom sitting there. Determining his dad wasn’t home yet, Jared retreated to his bedroom to finish his homework and wait for his dad to arrive.

Two hours later, Jared had finished both the homework due that day and the math homework due the next. He was about to start his newly assigned Chemistry homework when he heard a car pull up. His dad was home.

Jared debated heading down and talking to his parents right then, but decided against it. His dad would want some time to unwind after coming home from work. Jared decided he would finish his Chemistry homework first.

After that, no other homework was posted online, so he would have to contact people to get it. Since there was no one he could contact, Chemistry would be a natural stopping point anyways. Jared took a deep breath and got to work. He never wished for a long and complicated homework assignment before, but now he prayed Chemistry would take him forever to finish.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared finally talks to his parents.

Unfortunately, his Chem homework did not take forever, and eventually he had triple checked his work. Realizing that he could no longer postpone the inevitable, Jared closed his books and made his way downstairs.

When he made it downstairs, he found his mom watching some home show while his dad was doing something on his computer. Jared felt like an intruder in his own home. He usually only interacted with his parents when they initiated contact. It felt somehow wrong to be the one initiating it right now.

“Mom, Dad? Can we talk for a little bit?” Jared hated how small his voice sounded. “Can it wait a little bit?” his dad asked. “I’m working on something right now.” “Oh,” Jared said disappointed. Somehow he had sort of forgotten why he didn’t really talk to them all that much in the first place.

“Um, well, I’m not really sure it can wait. I mean, it can I guess, but it probably shouldn’t. I mean, I’ve already waited a long time, but I shouldn’t have. I guess that’s not really your fault, so I mean, if we can’t do it now then...” Jared trailed off and miserably stared at the ground. He felt so stupid. 

His dad sighed. “Give me fifteen minutes, then we can talk, okay?” Jared nodded. “Let’s make that twenty,” his mom added. “I want to see how this episode ends.”

Jared nodded again then sat down on a chair as far from his parents as possible while still sitting in the same room. He halfheartedly watched the home show while he waited. The couple on it wanted to upgrade their home since they were going to have a baby.

Jared absently wondered what it would be like to start a family of his own. Would he be a good parent? A good husband? Would he ever find someone to settle down with? He still deeply hoped it would be Evan, but he wasn’t going to bet on that.

Eventually the episode ended. Jared’s mom turned off the TV and turned back to him. “So what is it you wanted to talk to us about?” she asked.

Jared took a deep breath. “I’m honestly not really sure where to start. I don’t even know what you know about me at this point. I do know that the Jared you know isn’t the one everyone else knows. And neither of those are the real Jared. Evan and maybe his mom are really the only two people who even come close to knowing the real me and that only started last night.”

Both of Jared’s parents stared at him in confusion. “I’m not really sure what you mean, sweetie,” his mom admitted. “Did you know that, until last night, Evan and I hadn’t spoken in weeks?” Jared asked. His voice was quiet, yet there was a hard edge to it.

“Really? Why? You two were always such good friends. What happened?” Mrs. Kleinman asked her son. Jared laughed bitterly. “You really don’t know anything about me, do you? Evan and I haven’t been real friends for years now. In fact, I’ve been bullying him since middle school.” His parents’ eyes widened in shock.

Jared let out another bitter laugh before continuing. “But he is still the only friend I’ve ever had. Did you know that? Did you know that I had no friends at school besides a kid I tormented and no friends at camp at all?” Mrs. Kleinman opened her mouth to respond, but Jared cut her off.

“That’s right,” he continued. “I hated camp! I’ve always hated camp! I hate that stupid place so much! I wish I didn’t get stuck going there every single fucking year, but no, you have your trips and you want your alone time, so I have no choice in the matter. Oh, and sure I could ask to go to some other camp, but why bother? It’s not like I would be liked more anywhere else!

Oh, and you want to know why I bullied Evan? It’s not because of his anxiety or to be cooler, despite what I’m always telling myself. It’s because I love him and was afraid of being rejected! That’s right. To top all the other shit off, your fuck up of a son is also gay!”

Jared was trembling by this point. He knew he wasn’t supposed to curse in front of his parents, but he didn’t care. He didn’t really care about anything anymore. It just felt so good to finally be getting all of this off his chest.

“Oh. And one more thing,” Jared began. Channeling all his rage and self hatred, he yanked Evan’s sweatpants down to his ankles, exposing the bandaged cuts on his legs. “Heidi tended to them earlier today,” he informed his parents. “I don’t want to take the gauze off, but I assume that you can get the picture.”

Both of his parents stared at him in horror. It was clear that he had completely overwhelmed them. It was a lot of big information he just gave them and he wasn’t really sure how they would take any of it.

“Why didn’t you tell us before?” his mom finally asked. Her voice seemed so small. “You never wanted to know,” Jared replied. All the fight was gone from his body now and he just felt weak and exhausted.

“That’s not true!” she cried! “Of course we want to know!” “Do you?” Jared asked, sitting down on the floor. “You two wouldn’t even talk to me tonight until you finished your work and show. I was clearly upset, but I still came last.” 

Jared averted his eyes, choosing to stare at the carpet instead. He began to pick at it just to give his hands something to do. “I know that I don’t usually come to you, but you never come to me either. I’m not good at communicating with people, which is most likely why I don’t have any friends besides Evan. 

But that doesn’t mean this is all my fault. You’re my parents. You’re older and more experienced at life. Plus there are two of you. You can’t expect me to be the only one trying here. I’m not strong enough to do it all on my own. I mean, look at me!” 

Jared pointed down to his legs. He really was such a mess. Tears welled up in his eyes. He wished that Evan was there beside him, but he knew that this was his battle to fight.

He felt a pair of arms wrap around him. For a second, he debated just sinking into them and accepting the warmth, yet he stopped himself. Squirming a little, Jared managed to break free.

“That’s not fair,” he protested. “You can’t just ignore me all this time then suddenly play the concerned parents. Right now, I honestly view Heidi as more of a parent to me than either of you. I came to you because she told me you should know and because I need professional help. I didn’t tell you for your pity.”

Jared heard his mom begin to sob. He felt bad, yet he refused to give in. They had hurt him and he wasn’t just going to forgive them like it was nothing. 

Jared looked up to see his dad standing frozen in place, staring at him. He looked shaken. “Is it the gay part?” Jared asked him quietly. That was the part he was most worried about sharing. 

His dad took a few seconds to snap out of his daze before slowly shaking his head. “It’s not what I had planned for you, but it’s not something I’m upset about. I just didn’t realize until today just how strong you are.”

Jared snorted derisively. “That’s not funny. I know that I’m a mess, but you don’t need to make fun of it.” His dad shook his head. “I wasn’t joking. In the span of ten minutes, you just admitted to a mistake, came out, asked for help, and confronted your parents. Any one of those things takes a lot of strength and courage. Even if it was fueled by anger and adrenaline, it was still impressive.”

Jared started at his dad in surprise. “Really?” he whispered. His dad nodded. “We really do love you, Jared,” his mom added. “I didn’t realize we were hurting you, but I guess that’s the whole problem. How do we make things better?” she asked.

Jared shook his head. “I don’t know. I’ll help you reach an answer, but it can’t just be me looking for one. I can’t do that on my own either.” His mom held out her arms in an offer for another hug. “You won’t be alone. I’m sorry that you were.”

Jared looked warily at her. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted to give into her embrace yet, but he guessed they could take it one step at a time. She had offered to make an effort and that was the best he could get for now. 

Jared laid against his mom’s chest. He let her wrap her arms around him, but didn’t return the hug. He wasn’t ready to offer affection in return. But that didn’t stop the warmth from flowing into his heart as he felt the second pair of arms wrap around him.

He still wasn’t really sure what was going to happen from there and he certainly didn’t think that everything was just going to magically get better, but he hoped that maybe things would start improving from here on out. At least they knew the truth about him now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a bit of a darker chapter. I really hoped I touched upon such a difficult topic okay! Things should get lighter again from here!


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning, Jared takes in everything that happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I sort of dropped off the face of the earth for almost 2 weeks there. I promise I’m still alive!
> 
> Also, sorry about the short chapter. It was originally connected to the next one, but they just didn’t flow well as one chapter.

The next morning, Jared got up early and got ready for school. A lot had happened the past two days and he was still trying to make sense of it all. After the initial shock from what he told his parents, they spent the next few hours talking and trying to make sense of it all.

His parents didn’t really know where to send him for help, but they agreed he should see someone. Apparently his mom and Heidi has talked about getting together already, so his mom decided that would be a perfect time to talk to her about it and maybe get some recommendations.

As wary as he still was, Jared was grateful that things seemed to be turning out okay, at least for now. He wasn’t planning on getting his hopes up, but he decided to be cautiously optimistic. At the very least, his darkest secrets were out there and the worst hadn’t happened.

After getting ready, Jared made his way downstairs to grab some cereal. Both his parents had already left for work, but they promised that they would all eat dinner together as a family that night.

While he was eating, he sent a quick text to Evan. “Morning beautiful! How did you sleep last night? Do you have a ride to school? I would be more than happy to drive you!” Jared smiled as he hit send.

A couple minutes later he got a reply. “Morning handsome! I slept well. How did everything go last night? Was it okay? Also, I would love a ride!” Jared grinned at the response. Evan had called him handsome!

A few seconds later another text came through. “If you’re sure it’s no trouble.” Then another. “Also, was calling you handsome weird? You called me beautiful, but that might have just been a joke.” Then another. “Not that I think you’re making fun of me!” “I just mean that I might have taken it too far” “Not that I was joking about you being handsome!” “I just was continuing the greeting” “I’m not flirting with you though. Sorry if I lead you on.” “Not that it couldn’t ever happen. Just not right now. Sorry!”

The texts just kept coming. With a slight chuckle, Jared picked up his phone and hit call. “Calm down there Ev! I liked being called handsome. And I know you weren’t flirting or making fun of me. For the record, you are quite beautiful. Inside and out! Not that I’m flirting with you! Well, I mean, I am flirting, but not to get you to respond. I just really love saying stuff like that to you. But I won’t make it creepy! I can stop flirting if it makes you uncomfortable! I don’t want you to feel bad or awkward or...”

Evan laughed. “Now who needs to calm down?” Jared laughed too. “Wow. Being open about stuff is hard! Why didn’t you ever tell me it was this hard?” Evan snorted. “Umm... Jared? I literally made up an entire fake friendship because it’s so hard. I’m not exactly a master at it!” 

Both boys began to crack up. It was nice to be able to treat such a painful subject in such a light manner. Even if it was only for the moment, it was nice to set their pain and fears aside. 

“So how did it go?” Evan asked, his voice suddenly turning serious. Jared paused for a moment. “It went well,” he finally replied. “I mean, something like that was never going to be a good experience, but it went about as well as it could have gone. They want to talk to your mom for advice on getting me help. Oh, and I’m out now, so that’s a thing...”

Jared trailed off uncomfortably. “I’m really proud of you, Jare. You know that? It sounds like you really put yourself out there. I’m sure my mom would be happy to help. I know I am!”

“Thanks, Ev,” Jared replied softly. “I’m so glad I have you back. I’ll have to tell you more details in person. You deserve to know everything that happened. See you in 15 minutes? I’d love driving you in today.”

Evan gave his phone a quick hug. “I’m eager to hear everything. Let me know when you get here. I’ll be waiting for you,” he responded. “Awesome! See you soon!” Jared replied. 

He couldn’t remember the last time he felt that happy to be heading off to school. He still hated that hell hole, but that didn’t matter anymore. At least now he could navigate along with his best friend in the entire world, Evan Hansen.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time has passed since the night Jared and Evan made up.

Jared grinned as he pulled into Evan’s driveway. He quickly threw the car into park and went to unbuckle. His fingers barely pressed down on the button, when Evan suddenly flew out his front door. He quickly locked it, then ran over to greet Jared.

Jared shook his head in amazement. “I still don’t believe you that you don’t just sit in front of your door waiting for me! There’s no way you’ve always been able to get outside before I make it to your door!”

Evan just laughed. “To be fair, you do always come around the same time each day.” Jared contemplated this for a second and debated conceding, but then Evan winked at him.

“You’re such an asshole! You know that?” Jared complained. Evan grinned. “Yeah, but I’m your asshole!” he said, winking again. Jared slammed his face into the steering wheel, causing the car to honk. “I swear to god, Evan Hansen, you are going to be the death of me!” he lamented.

Evan laughed as he sat down beside Jared. “You know I’d never let you die, Jare!” he said, nudging his friend. Jared pouted. “Hey! No making this all serious and sad! Just let me joke around about how hot and flustered you always make me!” Evan just offered a little eyebrow wiggle in response, causing Jared to slam his head against the steering wheel once more.

A few months had now passed since that fateful night and Jared had become Evan’s official ride to and from school. He would stop by Evan’s house every morning to pick up his friend and drive him home every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

On Tuesdays, Jared dropped Evan off at Dr. Sherman’s office, then Evan found his way back on his own from there. On Thursdays, Evan had to head home completely on his own since Jared had his own appointments with Dr. Schultz. She actually worked at the same office as Dr. Sherman, but Jared and Evan decided that therapy was a private thing and waiting around for each other was sort of intrusive.

That wasn’t to say that they didn’t talk about their feelings to each other. Jared had always been the person Evan turned to when something was wrong, but now he also turned to Jared when things went right.

When he finally managed to walk past Zoe in the hall without running away, Jared was promptly informed during lunch that day. The two boys had excitedly hugged while Jared praised his best friend. “You’re doing a great job,” he had told him. “I know it’s really hard right now, but you’re getting stronger each and every day. I’m really proud of the effort you’re making.”

Evan simply nestled his head into Jared’s shoulder and smiled. It was such a baby step that most people would hardly recognize it as progress, but Jared knew him inside and out. Jared recognized and celebrated every little victory he made. And every time he did it, it filled Evan with a renewed sense of purpose and a deep feeling of warmth.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the school year comes to a close, Jared and Evan prepare for their future and reflect on how their lives have changed.

Evan stared a little sadly at himself in the mirror as he adjusted his tie. It was crazy to him to think that, in just a few hours, he would be graduating high school. He was thrilled to realize that he had actually made it, but really sad to think that everyone would be heading their separate ways except him.

It had been a difficult decision for Evan to wait one more year before heading off to college. A part of him really wanted to apply to every place Jared was applying to and try to go along with him. Jared was an incredible source of strength and joy in his life, so it was really scary to think that they could be separated.

Yet Evan knew that he didn’t have the funds for college yet. Over the course of everything that happened, Evan hadn’t really bothered to write any scholarship essays and hadn’t gotten any form of a job. 

Plus, he just wasn’t sure if he was ready to move out into the real world just yet. It wasn’t fair of him to pin all his hopes on Jared and it wasn’t the right way to handle things. Evan knew that, ultimately, he had to pin his hopes on himself. Jared was always going to be someone extremely important to him and he had no intention of ever losing contact, but he knew that Jared couldn’t be the only thing keeping him going.

So Evan decided to stay back for a year, earn some money, and go to community college. At least it would also give him some more time to spend with his mom. She was completing her classes in just a few weeks time herself and then she would start looking for a different job. 

Even if the next couple of months were crazy for the both of them, it was a nice thought to Evan that once things settled down a little, he and his mom might actually be able to spend genuine quality time together.

And Jared was nothing but supportive. He was sad to be leaving Evan, but he promised that the distance would never get in the way of their friendship. “Evan,” he had said. “I don’t care if we live so far apart that your day is my night. I am never going to stop being your friend. You mean the world to me and nothing in this world is ever going to tear us apart!” And Evan truly believed him. 

————

Evan was startled out of his thoughts by a knock on his door. “How’s it coming in there?” his mom called to him from outside the door. “I’m almost ready,” Evan quickly responded. He finished adjusting his tie and yanked his dress shoes on. 

A couple minutes later, he opened his door and stood facing his mom. “Oh honey! You look wonderful! I’m so proud of you Evan!” she exclaimed through her tears. Evan wrapped his arms tightly around her. “You can’t start crying yet!” he sniffled. “If you cry, then I’ll cry, and then Jared will cry, and then we’ll all just be sobbing messes!”

Heidi laughed and she hugged her son back. “I’ll try my best to hold it in until after the ceremony, but I make no promises. I’m just so proud of you right now! You always make me so proud to be your mother!” Evan hugged her back even tighter.

A few minutes later, the doorbell rang. “I’ll get it!” Evan cried, releasing his mom and running to the door. A couple minutes later, Jared’s parents were standing in the Hansen’s living room while Jared and Evan remained near the door, hugging each other and crying.

“We did it, Ev!” Jared cried out happily. “We made it through high school. We’re adults now!” Evan laughed. “We still need to actually graduate, you know. We haven’t quite made it yet!” Jared only laughed and hugged his friend tighter. “We’ve got this. We made it through all the hard parts. Now we just need to let the world know how successful we are!”

“Say cheese!” Jared’s mom called out as she snapped a picture of the two boys. “Mom!” Jared protested. “Don’t take pictures of us crying!” “Sorry Jared!” she responded with a little laugh. “You two just look so sweet together like that! I just wanted to capture this moment for everyone to remember!”

Jared smiled back at his mom. It was hard to be mad at her for wanting to remember these moments. He still didn’t have as strong a relationship with his parents that Evan had with Heidi, but it was so much better than it was before.

Jared didn’t feel invisible to them anymore and they finally had a pretty good idea of who he was as a person. They even promised that they would come visit him at college a few times a year and that he was always welcome to come back home and visit them.

Jared looked around the room and grinned. This might not be his physical home, but each and every person standing there was his family. “I’ll always remember,” Evan whispered into his ear. “With or without pictures, I will never forget the warmth of your arms or the happiness I feel with you beside me right now.” Jared presses his face against Evan’s. “I’ll never forget either,” he replied.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan attend their graduation ceremony and finally face an old acquaintance.

Throughout the ceremony, Evan’s eyes kept flicking through the audience. He knew his dad was supposedly somewhere in there, but he didn’t see him. Truth be told, Evan actually hoped he hadn’t come. Once upon a time, he really wanted his dad’s acceptance and love, but he was sort of over it now. He just mainly didn’t want to deal with the man right now.

He did spot the Murphy’s sitting way in the back. He was sure that this had to be a very hard time for them. He hoped that the school would do something to honor Connor. His name deserved to be mentioned too, even if he didn’t quite make it to graduation.

And then, of course, there was his mom and Jared’s parents. The three of them found seats together and were all smiling up at him and Jared with tears in their eyes.

Eventually the teachers and principal stopped speaking and it was time for the student body president to give her speech. Evan watched anxiously as Alana stood up. He wasn’t really sure what she was going to talk about, but when she stood up there and talked about the making mistakes and growing from them, Evan couldn’t help but wonder if maybe she had silently been changing too.

Perhaps it was time to try meeting her in the middle and apologize for what he had done. 

Since the names were called in alphabetical order, Alana’s name was called before his. Evan loudly cheered and clapped for her and noticed Jared doing the same. Their eyes met for a second as she walked back to her seat, and Evan knew he was ready.

Evan’s name was the next important one to be called. Upon hearing it, Evan stood up on shaky legs and made his way to the front. Usually he hated having so many eyes on him, but right now he simply tuned them out. The only eyes that mattered were his mom’s and Jared’s. As long as they were proud of him, it didn’t matter what anyone else thought.

Eventually Jared’s name was called too. Evan cheered louder than he thought possible for his best friend. He didn’t care if people looked at him funny for the noises. He just wanted Jared to know how proud he was of him.

And up on the stage, Jared felt that pride. He saw Heidi and his parents clapping, heard Evan cheering, and knew he had done something right. Even if he had done countless things wrong in his life, there were still things he had also done right. And that was enough for him.

The last name to be mentioned was Connor’s. He obviously wasn’t called up onto the stage, but he was still honored in his own way. Evan saw the Murphy’s crying in the back when Connor’s picture flashed up on the screen. Evan still felt horrible about what he had done, but at least Connor wasn’t forgotten. When people heard his name, everyone clapped for him. Evan hoped that his misguided act had at least helped to create that.

————

After the ceremony Evan and Jared found themselves smothered in hugs from their parents. It turned out that Evan’s dad hadn’t been able to make it after all, but Evan didn’t notice.

Everyone was crying now, but nobody cared. “Okay, now we’ve officially made it!” Jared cried out. Evan grinned. “We sure have,” he replied.

After fifteen or so minutes of hugging, Evan heard a soft noise from his side. He turned to face Alana. “Hi Evan,” she said softly. “Hey Alana,” he responded. His voice was weak and timed, but it didn’t crack or fail him.

“You made a really good speech,” he told her. “Thanks,” she responded. “I’m sorry. For everything,” Evan admitted. “I’m sorry too,” she said. “To both of you. I’m sorry I posted the note when you told me not to,” she said, facing Evan. She then turned to Jared. “And I’m sorry I made you feel unwanted,” she continued.

Jared shook his head. “We all fucked things up a lot. But there is plenty of time for apologies later. For now, let’s just agree to start over, okay?” Alana nodded. “Okay,” she agreed. “I guess I’ll be seeing you two around more this summer?” she asked. Evan nodded eagerly. “Perfect!” Alana declared. “We still have a few months left before we part ways. Let’s not let them go to waste!”

And with that, Alana was gone. Evan wasn’t completely sure what just happened, but he had to give her credit. Alana really had grown a lot since the time of their fight. He hoped that he would be able to grow that much eventually as well.


	19. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared and Evan spend the evening at Ellison State Park just talking, but while they are there, Evan makes a very important decision about his future.

That evening, Evan and Jared snuck into Ellison State Park to stare at the stars and talk. It was a beautiful night and there was no one either boy would rather spend it with.

“I can’t beileive it’s been such a long time since we went here with your mom. It feels like just yesterday!” Jared said, looking up at the stars. 

Evan grinned. “Back on that day we stared up at the sky too. Of course, it was clouds then instead of stars. We weren’t doing anything illegal back then!” 

Jared laughed and turned to face Evan. “I did cheat in the tree identification game though!” he recalled happily. “I thought we decided it wasn’t cheating,” Evan protested. “Actually, I think you refused to make a call. Something about not wanting to choose between your best friend and your mother!” Jared reminded him. Evan laughed in recollection.

“It really has been a crazy year, hasn’t it?” Evan asked. “We went from family friends, to accomplices, to enemies, to finally being true friends. How on earth did all of that happen in just one year?”

Jared shrugged. “We fumbled around, made a lot of mistakes, badly hurt people we cared about, but ultimately became better people than we were,” he replied. 

“I still feel like I have a lot to learn before I can call myself a good person though,” Evan admitted. Jared shook his head. “You’re a far better person than you think,” he countered. “But it is true that we both do still have a lot of growing to do. I think we can make it though. Especially now that we have each other.”

Evan nodded in agreement. “I’m certainly a better person for knowing you. I just hope I can continue to grow when you’re gone,” he said, a touch of concern creeping into his voice.

“I know you can,” Jared said. There was not a hint of doubt in his voice. “I have complete faith in you. But let’s not worry about that right now. Alana was right in what she said earlier. We still have a few months left. Let’s make the most of them!”

Evan turned back to face the stars again and thought about what Jared had said. Jared believed in him. Jared truly believed that he was strong enough to grow and change on his own. But Evan was lucky enough to not have to do that right now. 

He had Jared there by his side and there was no reason why he had to reject that out of fear of growing dependent. And he knew he didn’t need to fear losing Jared when he went away. There was no way that they were going to let any amount of distance get in the way of their relationship.

“Evan?” Jared asked concerned. Evan has been weirdly silent for a few minutes now. “Evan?” he asked again. Still nothing. Jared was about to try shaking him when Evan suddenly seemed to snap out of a trance.

“Hey Jared,” he said. He voice was concerningly nervous, yet surprisingly not without confidence. “Yes Ev?” Jared asked, his own voice also far more nervous than he would have liked.

“Do you still have feelings for me?” Evan continued. Jared gulped. “O-of course I do. Those aren’t going to go away anytime soon.” He looked nervously at Evan and felt butterflies erupt in his stomach when he saw Evan smile at him.

“We still have a few months left before we part ways. I know that long distance relationships can be hard and I’m sorry I’ve made you wait this long, but I decided today that I don’t want to let this time remaining with you go to waste. Jared Kleinman, will you go out with me?”

Jared sat up in surprise. “You want to go out with me? You actually have feelings for me?” he asked, excitement and fear evident in his voice. Evan sat up too and took Jared’s hands.

“I do. I think I have for a couple months now, but I was too scared to try to start a new relationship with anyone, especially the person I’m the most scared of losing. But I’m not going to let that fear stop me any longer. I want to spend the rest of my life by your side. I want to be the other half to your whole.

You are so much more to me than just a crutch to help me get through the day. I am a stronger, better person thanks to you. I’m not terrified of spending the next year on my own because you have helped me find that courage within myself. You make me a better me.

And that’s why I feel okay saying that I want to spend forever with you. I’m not scared that I’m dependent on you any longer. I’m not afraid that I won’t be able to function without you, so I’m not afraid of letting you help me function. I love you, Jared Kleinman. I love you with all my heart and I want to share that love with you.”

Jared threw his arms around Evan and started to sob. “I love you too, Evan. I love you so much! And you are strong and I know that you can make it on your own. So thank you for letting me into your life. Thank you for trusting me with your heart. I swear I’ll treat it right!”

That night, under the light of the stars, Jared and Evan shared their first kiss of many, many to come. They weren’t then sure what the future would hold for them, but they were ready to face it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that’s it. I hope you enjoyed the emotional roller coaster that this story was!


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